So many times a day I question myself, not in the way you might think, it’s less about trusting myself and my decisions and more of a questioning of my belief of existence. Who am I really, who are we really in lak'ech? Where am I, and am I supposed to be here, where is here? And the biggest question is why, why am I here? Not humans in general, I have a peace in my understanding of the heart and why mankind is here on earth. But why is this version of myself here? I am aware of my higher self, my true self which is one and part of everything, and everyone in existence. But why is this version of Katie Lee from Howard Lake Minnesota here, what is her purpose for being here in this moment right now? Is she adding to the symphony of life, or the noise of disharmony and lessons of mankind. Neither really matters, because all in all everything is in a state of divine perfection, but when you get closer and zoom in, and you start to feel those human feelings and emotions, and realize the brain tells us things rather than us thinking things, it becomes less clear, less whole and more fragmented. At least in my mind it becomes so.
It is when I meditate, see a symbol, smell a specific incense, or hear a certain pitch, then I become more aware of myself and the integrated version of myself and what I am doing here.
Don't’ get me wrong, I can function as this 3D version of myself and still spout tidbits of wisdom I have filtered from past present and future self, which is always in the now, but it isn’t until I find and feel that place in existence, that divine love and connection that I fully feel who I am. And it takes the guessing out of my day to day wonderings about myself.
I think trauma has been the biggest reason I practice this game of questions, it is me checking in with myself. When you go through certain types of trauma, what you want or need doesn’t become your focus, survival becomes your main focus, and if you have to check out completely in order to survive, you do that. But when the threat has passed, us survivors are still in that program of checking out, of not checking in, and not prioritizing what we need or want. So everyday I have to ask myself “Do I want this?”, “how am I really feeling about this”, “Am I enjoying this or that?, “What do I really want?”. It may sound strange that a grown woman needs to continually ask herself what she wants or feels, especially when it is over something as simple as what she wants to do this evening for fun, or what clothing item she wants to wear, or if she enjoys being around someone, or going somewhere. But that is my process everyday, and the more ignore it, the more it tells my body that I must not be safe, and to go back to checking out until it is safe to become fully conscious.
This is a more extreme way of checking in, but I think that we could all benefit from a daily check in, just to see how we are feeling and what our desires are. So many times we get caught up in our busy modern lives, and autopilot is definitely a real way of going about life. How can we as people of this world, create a better place to live if we aren’t conscious of how we are existing and making decisions that ripple and effect everyone? It is through heartfelt presence, and being aware of ourselves and who we are, that way we are in tune with our gifts, wants and desires, and we create lives conducive to living in authenticity and joy.
So if you aren’t living in joy, try checking in with yourself daily, discover your true inner self, and cultivate a reality where it can thrive.
This is how we change the world, one joyful aligned life at a time.
I dedicate this blog to my wisdom spirit helper and wolf, Brighton.
Thank you dear friend for always having my back ~
Dolinka Dirokshi ~