Last summer I entered into a phase of my life where my perspectives on dating and love changed and started to shift rapidly. I had been a traditionalist most of my life and had felt like I was missing some big piece of information. My past relationships had all shown me my own inability to balance myself while with another partner. When I am single, I find my own rhythm and though I will dip and soar a little wobbly at times, I loved my balance and rhythm, even if it scared my parents to death or confused my friends
which always amused me, I felt something strong, a current that called my unique soul essence to merge with it. One thing I observed looking back at my life, is that I couldn’t ignore the inner voice of myself, even when it was painful to hear, nothing really ever got it to go away, and I found out the tough way that the best remedy when the inner voice is too painful to ignore, is listen to it with your heart completely open. The last few years have been that for me, the journey to opening my heart enough to be able to listen to it without the pain or gripping fear.
When I was surrounded by realities and people that didn’t match the truth of my heart, it became scary and almost impossible to express or even listen to what my heart was saying because the pain of my eyes taking in the contrast of my truth was enough to make me freeze, and then deny the truth and let my ego program to insulate the fake walls it was building up to “protect me” from those painful emotions that were so easy to blame on other people. But when I was open enough to the Truth, and seeing what my inner truth is, the more I saw myself resisting myself and denying the voice of my heart, this wasn’t someone else doing, it was my decisions I made every day to ignore, sidestep, numb, and find ways to keep myself busy and "productive".
When all of those distractions and needs were taken away from me, I had no choice but to be faced with those beliefs and decisions, no finger to point at myself or anyone else, it simply was. Not having a need to blame anyone including yourself for any experience you find unpleasant, seems to change the perspective of the event itself, as if it changes color and becomes part of the solid background of your life, and finding nothing but joy, love and compassion for all aspects of life. A kind of freedom I never thought could be, had suddenly graced my life, I realized this was an Angelic experience, the energy and sensations were exactly of the ones I had as a child, when I was afraid of the dark at night and sometimes lights would appear in my room, and speak love and peace into my being with their light and I would soften.
I became aware of the fact that no matter my relationship status through the years, my relationship with myself was the one that was screaming for my time. And the one I began working on actively, I committed to myself to do my best every day, I gave myself the love and compassion I needed, and on days when I couldn’t do that, I asked for patience and love of the Universe to support me while I kept learning to love the darkest parts of my shadow. What I am still finding as I do this, is that nothing has been as dark as the projections in my mind, and when I approached the same issue or situation with my heart instead, the love I allowed to flow through me was powerful enough to transform whatever it was that wasn’t in harmony with my being. I now have more space for that which is in harmony with me to appear and be a part of my life. It is a new reality for me to not have to work so hard to create something, because I am learning the subtle art of allowing, and balancing it with action and physical movement.
As this process continues, I get to enjoy the benefits of having an open heart when beautiful experiences unfold. The relationship I have with my heart has been the most transformative one I have had in my life. And continues to deepen and bring me to new perspectives that keep blooming.