Growing up I didn’t have a typical educational experience, my brothers and I were home schooled by our mother. We would find ways of making learning interactive and creative, it cultivated a love of learning and spirit of exploration. I cherish this part of my past, had I gone to the public school my sensitive and introverted self would have been crushed very early on. Even as a teen I barely lived though high school, it was by sheer will and determination that I endured 1 and a half years of public school life out in rural Minnesota. However my personal and social suffering did bear the fruit of experience, I learned a lot about people and how they behave when they feel insecure, threatened, invincible, are self aware or far from it. I carry these experiences with me and as I grew up, built upon them.
One revelation that always stuck with me was that no matter how wise I become, how old I get, how much life I live, I can learn from everything and everyone. There is always insight to be gained in this great big multiverse, and the second we forget that, we don’t just limit ourselves, we reinforce the illusion.
For several years now I have felt a gentle tug from the Universe to step up more, to lead by example and utilize my natural gifts in a way that benefits myself and others symbiotically.
I was reluctant and had an aversion to being anywhere near a leadership role, it wasn’t until I realized that I could take my ideal of always being a student of life, and place it in the leadership perspective. If I could be comfortable and above all, authentic in my attempts to step forward and be seen in my community in order to offer my gifts, I could gain so much insight and wisdom from that place of being. For most of my life my primary objective was to hide, it was survival and necessary at the time. But as the years pass and I get a little bit wiser, I see the merit in being seen by others, in allowing them to witness my journey and I theirs. There is something sacred about being a witness to another person's growth, it is an honor for me to step forward and allow myself to be witnessed by you, and I honor and see you beautiful soul, if you are in my life then we are mirrors to each other, vibrational matches in a cosmic card game. If we cannot be present with one another, then whatever we see is not a whole picture, but merely a fragment of it. Let us be a two way mirror, that we may fully see each other and honor the sacred experience that is life.
I recently went through a very difficult experience, and through the healing process I noticed my knee jerk reaction was to hide it, to avoid being seen as “weak” or “foolish”, suffering from trauma alone is a very isolating experience. I knew it was a normal reaction, and so I started the process of healing and forgiveness, the waves of emotions that comes after a traumatic event can be confusing and often overwhelming, and I sometimes felt embarrassed by my emotional state. I had stepped out of my truth and instead started to judge myself, what kind of intuitive ignores her gut, what kind of Healer lets herself become wounded? These musing only created more suffering, and instead of helping myself heal, I was perpetuating the pain and negative self beliefs.
It wasn’t until I was sitting in mediation after having a good cry, that a wave of unconditional love washed over me, and I remembered myself. Not only that the incident was an opportunity for further healing and growth, but that I had stepped out of my authenticity and that was causing me undue suffering. If I stepped out of the judgement zone, and back into my heart I realized how much could be learned and healed from such a horrifying experience. How much connection, and understanding could be created, If I was just brave enough to allow others to see it.
So here I am, a woman, a healer, teacher, student and mirror.